walking with heels -pilot -part 2

dear whoever/whatever
I always taught women who wore heels are totally confident and poised. I never taught would get in those shoes, but some how I managed, during the auditions, even though it was a lil bit of an embarrassment, but i still walked with hells :) . I have this body imbalance thing in me, that i feared might come into effect with the help of a 3 inch heels,but i managed to overcome tht too..so JAI HO!!..
like I said in the previous post, I am not that fair lady or girly girl, I am clumsy and careless. I have a terrible eye sight problem, acne and u can name it. I love black eyeliner and can never live without it.so thats me
So like in the previous post, I mentioned about going for the college model angels (CMA) audition, It was on a Sunday(7th June 09), I had a few papers to complete the following weekday, and the paper ended on Friday. After getting off one the mot terrifying paper that Wednesday, macro econs 4(the killer) ,I came to get some sleep, before I had to start preparing (last minute) for my final paper, macro econs 3 (another killer!!). As I finally dozed off after answering so many calls from vinod, I had this message coming in, I was pissed off. Wouldn’t this ppl just give me a break???
I took up my Motorola razor v3xx, to check the message; it was from an unknown number saying ‘congrats u are the top finalist for cma..Bla bla’. This is a prank, I told myself. I have too many suspects who might just want to get off the hook, so yea..Am going to sleep again, but I still sent vnd a message saying I got the message and what I actually feel about the message.
The next day (Thursday 11june 09), I kept the message very low, I still feared for macro econs, and was studying, I couldn’t help it, so I called my friend sarveena who was also a pr for the event, and she said the message was for real. I went for my favorite club’s, meeting; inti vybes, the one and only broadcasting radio station of inti, being part of it was dream and a blessing, (feeling real guilty that I couldn’t do the board.) the news exploded in the studio and everyone got to know that I was on the top 40 list. I was so shy and didn’t know how to handle or react to it.
But the members of vybes were another chapter of encouragement, everyone, Horus, Nicole, sarveena, sarath, bean, Claudine... (Sorry if I have missed out any one of u), were all encouraging and that actually boost me up .I called my mom and she got even excited about it..She was asking me to talk about the whole event on the phone,(Another surprising factor), I was glad that the ‘queen of my hearts’, held me up with lotsa encouragement..above all of this, vinod had to go to Malacca for his final year project research to the eye of Malaysia, and suddenly he calls me saying that there is extra place in the car, and he said I could come, I got so excited, I called up ventz to join us and we drove off together to Malacca to see the ‘eye of Malaysia’- it’s a Ferris wheel, that is brought all over Malaysia. It was like the best day, I had an exam the next day, but I was so happy (hope that doesn’t affect the results, or its not some symbolic thing or something). So we went to see the eye of Malaysia, I had no idea how big it was, but I only enjoyed the part where me, vinod and ventz (after a long time, since bad luck struck upon us ) had another ‘sasau- get –together’ and vinod’s group mate naveenan followed too.
I was so tired, believe me, and I had to prepare for the paper, I stood up the whole night trying to get at least a few things into my head.
I manage to complete a my paper the following day, vinod,me,ventz and tulsi went out shopping for some clothes for my shoot the next day with cma. I was satisfied. .. yet was still 50/50 about tomorrow. I don’t have any friends, going to subang all alone, not literally, but …sarveena couldn’t make it, I told my friends I would just probably sleep off...But do u think they’re going to agree to this…’u’ll go to the grave if u do so’ they say…and vinod... was the only one without a perfect answer or a firm say… and theeban as usual..Being another huge supporter and another person who would kick my butt if I don’t go.. And mom was just worried I might get off the hook and forget my roots..But any how u guys were..i want to thank u all..i noe deep down, that u guys want the best for me..And I love u all for it 

lets just wait and see..where is this gonna lead
From the heart –
I have rise indeed...Again...this time...i rised because of the wonderful people around me, I rised cause of the beautiful friends and souls around me...u can put me into a mess...or many others...but I shall rise again...Because of the people around me...And also the almighty himself...
Sincere thanks to the members of inti vybes, ventz, vinod, theeban, tulsi, amma, chuaci for showing me lotsa love

walking with heels-pilot

Dear whoever/whatever

I just wanted to share off the first ever experience of this thing I had

Face me!! Am not the girly girl who wears heals and does pedicure and who worries how her nails would look…

But CMA- college model angels 2009, made me realize that..cat walk wasn’t only meant for professional models

I always had this part in my life where people criticized my walk. Some say its so like a ‘mother of two’, some say its so masculine, some says its pure gangsta, sum say its cool, some say its scary…

‘owhh..Come what May ‘...

‘Let them say what they want’

I taught at one point. I stopped being bothered and got fed up My walk wasn’t part of the judgment list, well..Not in an everyday life at least. If this was bad.. They should have seen my walk when I was in school. I might not be the favorite lady but I know I am still a good friend. Well all said and done, I was overcoming sum tragedies I had been facing since the beginning of the semester. Too much for a 21 year old, I was suppose to be free this year...And having fun...What happened to all those traditions and stuffs?? No comments..

But some how I managed to get myself into auditioning for cma, thanks to sarveena, ventz, theeban,tulsi and vinod (being here and there)..even my mom was ok about it..and she sonded excited on the phone,(my mom..was totally unbelievable that day,i didnt expect here to be excited,i taught i might just end up getting fired..)..Me and tulsi went in together.. And I had 0% hope to get selected..Mainly..Because the so called gangsta walk I have..i no choice..no heels..i told my mom..And she borrowed me one of her favorite pair..When I wore those shoes I told myself ‘think amma. Walk amma’..i never met any other confident lady, in person like my mom..She inspires me in most of the ways, except for a few that..Well I have to admit…I really cant take as an example..But..She made me...in to a baby and now a full grown lady..So If I fail to walk without falling... (Owh..Did I even mention? That I am really careless…I often fall and hurt myself, sometimes I get scratches and bruises without realizing and knowing where I got them from..That’s how I had to get my feet stitched… careless) I am so going to put her down cause she was like the best high-heel walker for me..And looking at her size..She even dances with heels..Ow..Enough of mom..Can’t stop if I start. So I went in...Feeling really dumb about my self. And yea..As assumed, the judges said ‘Ur not used to heels aren’t u?’ so it as obvious..i had to admit, am not used to this.i didn't fall though..just that..i dunno..its that thing inside that always tells u the truth..like wen u dun do well in Ur exams,every one else says something positive,but this thing called conscious makes u realize the truth?? that conscious thing hit me big time,i knew myself. So I went out, relieved and ashamed at the same time for not being able to walk perfectly,i was ashamed for not being a lady or a female dam,bet children would walk better then i did,i felt like a circus chimp.. but then again,i just joined the audition for fun,no chances of getting in for sure..i was sure I wouldn’t make it,so wat if am an amateur high 'heeler'.(if this description really exist),there was a free photo shoot anyways…I mean 2 free photo shoots..don't wanna screw up that part.

‘Enough of cam whoring, lets hit professional photographers’ *wink*

So I threw away my long face and held up a cheerful look, don’t want to spoil those pictures. I went in and had a heck of a time. I totally brought it out.lol. And this is what It turned out.

And you could tell if I enjoyed myself… I dun care whats gonna happen..as long as I have the experience…like in antm :P..but the judges of cma were all darlings..they were so friendly and so encouraging..it was not like a competition at all…it was like a friendly meeting or something,nothing like I expected…diva’s and all…I liked it..loved the experience…

from the heart-

for me..

like the descrption of the blog

all those mess i had to go through in the month of may may,the begining of the semester, had a break during this time.. i have rise from the mess indeed,even though it was just for a while...it was still worth while..and a few more yet to come, u may want to put me down.. but a minority's say doesnt change the world's opinion,

i cant avoid you critiques or your doings, but at the same time,i cannot avoid the almighty's doings as well and so cant you..i trust 'him' and not you

and u cant really see beautiful and perfect critiques around, coz these critiques never really saw their flaws

so critiques- u don bring me down

to amma :)

This is a poem I wrote when i was in national service. The time when I was not really used to the situation in the camp and was practically suffering found it today (1/3/2009) when i looked into my diary i wrote in the camp.

Before leaving for national service, I and mom fought and we never contacted each other for almost 3 weeks. I described this after her first visit to the camp.


I never did reveal this out
But I am afraid of the dark here, ma
I don’t really show much
since that row we had
but I do care a lot for you and miss you every minute, ma
You know that, Don’t you ma?
Don’t leave me in this crowd alone
I don’t feel good with anyone but you
i cant speak a word to anyone
they give me that stare that I don't want to see
they speak the things I don't want to hear
I am so much of an outcast with people I don’t know
They don’t see me like the way you do


Don’t send me away so far
That you won’t think,
Or see me everyday
am I that bad, ma?
Was I that harsh?
That you send me to this lonesome
leaving behind the paradise i had with you

I fear I might not be able
to return home to see you
Or lie on your lap
or sleep next to you
i eat all alone here,
thinking of you
I cry myself to sleep every night
longing for you to hug and tug me in

each time appa
Drives away in the car
I look out for you
Hoping u will ask him to stop the car
and run back to take me home ma
don’t tell him this
But I become cautious of the surroundings,
I don’t show it on my face
but I am petrified
To face the emptiness again
to walk and face obstacles alone
I can’t control that tear I shed
you do know all of this , don't you ma?

from the heart-

i was messed up in national service,especially without the presence of amma and with new people around,mostly from the army clan, people were fierce and rough..i was timid and not used to all this..and still my amma's girl, but wen i got out from ns.. i rised, i overcome the absence of amma..and became more independent..more than i can even imagine...i knew mom did this for my own good..now am much better :)

love you till the end -Pogues

I just want to see you
When youre all alone
I just want to catch you if I can
I just want to be there
When the morning light explodes
On your face it radiates
I cant escape
I love you till the end

I just want to tell you nothing
You dont want to hear
All I want is for you to say
Why dont you just take me
Where Ive never been before
I know you want to hear me
Catch my breath
I love you till the end

I just want to be there
When were caught in the rain
I just want to see you laugh not cry
I just want to feel you
When the night puts on its cloak
Im lost for words dont tell me
All I can say
I love you till the end



this song gets me 'stoned' not literally..but yea...its a beautiful song

dear grandfather...

since the time i remember..i have seen u as a man of wisdom,fun and ' most wanted'.i cannot blame myself for feeling such as your the only one who never discouraged me in eating sweets and lollipops and enjoyed buying not only for me but for the whole lot of us.You never even gave me a limit of how much i could buy.thus,at that naive and tender age, u became my favorite.

As i grew up leaving behind childhood and stepping into adolescence and into the era of teenage,where most of the time i used to rebel against all odds,i didn't really see things as how it should be.But through every visit u paid..i used to listen to every story you shared and realize the different kinds of hardship a man could face in his life. i used to remember the time when u would tell us about your experience as a taxi driver and realized that all the passages and stories in my text book was actually true.As like how everyone described you,helpful,kind and genuine,i always looked at you as a man with a brave heart and wondered if i could really handle things just the way you did. I saw you always being next to your ailing son Arul in the hospital and always told my mom that i loved the way you cared for him,being a father and also his best friend during the last days of his life.the moment i was awakened by the news of Arul's death,the first thing i remember asking my father was if you were alright.and my dad said that he barely heard u tremble.I saw u handling Arul's funeral with much courage..and finally before carrying his coffin..u wailed and cried like u never did before..i could still remember that very moment..where no one could control their tears and emotions looking at how you yearned for his presence-alive.
My mom who was your favorite among all of your niece and nephews often called to check on and she always told me that you were a very brave men.i could still remember the time when u took me for my first interview in UOB in KL.I shall never forget that and i also remembered the glee that you controlled when i first told you that i have decided to continue my studies in Iinti as you wanted me to some how study instead of work. and i can still remember the time u came to my room in the hostel feeling proud. those were beautiful memories that i personally experienced with you.when Appa fell sick and was admitted in the hospital,and Chuaci were to sit for her PMR in the year 2007, everything went chaos as Appa was the only one we depended on,and despite that crucial time,u took care of Chuaci and Amma,giving her the motivation and encouraged her to stay strong and to do her exam well without any worries.. assuring her that u will look after things.i would say that you were part of Chuaci's success of scoring 7a's.because she was in such a state but u calmed her down.

on the 2nd of February 2009, it was during the time when the Chinese New Year break came to and end and i could not get a ticket back to college,Amma was after her operation and told me tht she had to attend a wedding.i told Amma that i would accompany her to the wedding as i had no choice but to stay back in Ipoh and go back the next day because the tickets were all sold out and i never regretted tht.i met you that day..all dressed up so well in the traditional dhoti and jippa,u bragged about your new clothes and the new job u got so proudly and all of us could see that blissful look u had on your face. my Amma begged you to come for Thaipusam and u said you couldn't make it as u had work.after that evening,Amma and i had a long long chat about you.she told me how much she adored you and all those things u did wen they were small kids.i took back all those things she shared with me and taught about it along my journey back to Nilai. i was so happy that i met the whole lot of our family in the wedding after such a long time.
i continued my day in Inti having a rather heavy and peculiar feeling about things.i assumed that i was to worried about my lecturers and left that feeling apart by catching up with my college mates.
the day went well after that until i received a call from Chuaci at 2 am in the morning of the 3rd of February 2009.as she inherited the strong nature of yours..she called to tell me that 'you' had passed away. i couldn't belief what i heard and i reconfirmed..and Chuaci said she would never wanna joke about things like this.i refused to belief as i saw just saw u healthy and vibrant the previous day.

'Tata passed away ma...we are rushing to the hospital now'..that's what Appa said when i called him, yearning for a solid speech for an older person. i tried talking to Amma but she was crying and i could hear her tremble leaving her speechless. it killed to remember that only few hours ago Amma spoke about how much u meant to her and the the rest of the family and then to see you lying breathless

i miss 'you' a lot Tata..to think back what i have had with you all this years and what i am going to lack in the upcoming years just makes me tear more n more.but i realized that its all god's willing and He wanted your presence there more then we do here. though i try so much..but its so hard to belief that you're no longer alive,with us.i have come to realize that nothing in this world is certain and predictable.nothing is in our hands..the memories all of us had be it personally or be it as a family,the time we spent with you can never be replaced and shall always be cherished.sometimes i see taxi's on the road and i can barely avoid recalling you and can barely control my tears..i will pray that your soul rest in peace.and that will u will have the peace and sovereignty in heaven..god bless your loved soul .



"Each person that has ever lived has had the same problem. They wanted to be remembered by everyone for what they were. To be forgotten is worse than death. People wanted to be remembered by other things than books and stories. But in the end that's all we can be remembered by. There's nothing you can do at this points but live. But when I'm to die I want to be remembered by one thing. I want people to say "He was the type of person that believed and saw the good in others even when they couldn't believe or see it in themselves." That is how I want to be remembered."

* John M. Ludwig
n

this is how you are remembered

MURUGIAH -07 MAY 1949 TO 03 FEBRUARY 2009

the beginning of the year started typically...my birthday..ntg impressive..turning 21 was like turning into a world of responsibilities,work,family,degree...speaking of being the eldest...never mind of all that..but i love the year 2009..not so much in love...like..so-far-so-good kinda love..2008 was a wreck..noting was under control..2009 made me realised the needs in life..2008 made me out of tat 'junkie' life i had...it was sick

so much to talk about the year..i noe its only been 2 months...but life has changed..from the love for psychology..i switched into mass communication..and my my..am loving it..lol
i have loads of work..mind you the assignments come as if its like a ' the prime ministers post' lol.. but the assignments are fun. not to mention having a lil best friend by my side..who keeps on reminding me about my priorities. so far it was good luck..the enrolment week was like living in the tip of a cliff..waiting to fall...then after that was dealing with the lecturers..all of this has settled now. thanks to god..and thanks to all of the people who prayed for me..

for now life seems to be heading like a dream.never taught i would enjoy the course i choose..never did i even think i would face things the way i do now.

above all..i started apprieciating every bit of my life in 2009..i never taught i would get off 2008,i never taught life wud be stady after that,i never taught i wud go through things like in 2008...amen! everything is over...and amen! am a life...