to amma :)

This is a poem I wrote when i was in national service. The time when I was not really used to the situation in the camp and was practically suffering found it today (1/3/2009) when i looked into my diary i wrote in the camp.

Before leaving for national service, I and mom fought and we never contacted each other for almost 3 weeks. I described this after her first visit to the camp.


I never did reveal this out
But I am afraid of the dark here, ma
I don’t really show much
since that row we had
but I do care a lot for you and miss you every minute, ma
You know that, Don’t you ma?
Don’t leave me in this crowd alone
I don’t feel good with anyone but you
i cant speak a word to anyone
they give me that stare that I don't want to see
they speak the things I don't want to hear
I am so much of an outcast with people I don’t know
They don’t see me like the way you do


Don’t send me away so far
That you won’t think,
Or see me everyday
am I that bad, ma?
Was I that harsh?
That you send me to this lonesome
leaving behind the paradise i had with you

I fear I might not be able
to return home to see you
Or lie on your lap
or sleep next to you
i eat all alone here,
thinking of you
I cry myself to sleep every night
longing for you to hug and tug me in

each time appa
Drives away in the car
I look out for you
Hoping u will ask him to stop the car
and run back to take me home ma
don’t tell him this
But I become cautious of the surroundings,
I don’t show it on my face
but I am petrified
To face the emptiness again
to walk and face obstacles alone
I can’t control that tear I shed
you do know all of this , don't you ma?

from the heart-

i was messed up in national service,especially without the presence of amma and with new people around,mostly from the army clan, people were fierce and rough..i was timid and not used to all this..and still my amma's girl, but wen i got out from ns.. i rised, i overcome the absence of amma..and became more independent..more than i can even imagine...i knew mom did this for my own good..now am much better :)